4 months sober

Today, I am 4 months sober/alcohol free. I’ve hit quite a few milestones over the last 120 days but this one hits me differently. This won’t be a long blog post because I’m not quite sure how to even put what I’m feeling into words. I can’t quite put my finger on the exact feeling but I do know one thing: I am feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude.

Maybe because it’s a foreign feeling. Something I only dreamed of. A feeling that I thought only other people could feel. You see, I was filled with so much shame and self hate for SO long that I didn’t know how to be proud of myself.

Pride: {noun} a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.

That’s it. Pride. This is what I’m feeling.

Making the decision to get sober at the age of 27 goes against everything I’ve been conditioned to believe. I thought only people who went to detox centers or ended up on the show Intervention got sober. I knew that alcohol would have to be out of my life in order for my mental health to improve. I chose life and I’ll choose it over and over again.

I didn’t lose a single thing by giving up alcohol besides hangovers and the paralyzing “hangxiety” and shame. I gained more than I could have ever hoped for by saying goodbye to alcohol.

It’s been about finding myself after years of constantly losing pieces of myself. It’s about the self worth and self respect that I have for myself now. It’s about actually being able to look in the mirror. It’s about healing from years of pain, shame and trauma. It’s about being uncomfortable and making the choice to sit with those feelings. It’s about putting in the work when I leave my therapists’ office. It’s about healthy coping mechanisms that include mindfulness, breathing and meditation.

It’s about being present for every single moment in my life.

It’s about coming home to myself.

I want to feel it all because it means I am alive.

It means I am human.

2 thoughts on “4 months sober

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