My therapist asked me to write a letter to my 12 year old self because I still associate with my younger self. We are working on sending her love and setting her free. Writing this letter was one of the most painful yet most beautiful things that I have ever done.
A lot of my behaviors, thought patterns and feelings come from my childhood because there is a part of me that is stuck there. For example: being a people pleaser and searching for my worth in other people developed when I was a child. This is a huge obstacle that I am currently overcoming but for the first time EVER…I am able to define and see my own worth.
This is an unedited, raw letter that I wrote. I am sharing because I want to be transparent as I heal and grow throughout my journey in hopes of helping others. If you feel like there is a “young child” that still lives within you…I highly encourage you to write a letter to that child. Send them love and set them free.
These are the things that I want that 12 year old girl to know:
1.) You are beautiful just the way you are. Society will try and convince you otherwise. Sadly, you are a victim of manipulation. You are told that you can’t be beautiful unless you are a size 0. You can’t be happy unless you have the best clothes and toys. And you will never be good “enough” unless you look a certain way. You feel unworthy most days but this isn’t your fault Emma. After all, you are only 12 and no one was there to tell you otherwise because they were also fed the same lies from society.
2.) Other kids call you names like fat, cow, pig. I wish that I could hug you because those things are far from the truth. The bullies hurt you over and over again but you remained kind and your heart remained big through it all. Those bullies were hurting and it was never about you. It was about them.
3.) You will begin searching for your worth in other people. This will send you down a dangerous path as you get older but I forgive you for not knowing better. You gave pieces of yourself to people who never deserved it. You said things just to make people happy even though you knew it was wrong. You tried so hard to fit in but again…you were only a child.
4.) You have one of the most beautiful hearts that I have ever known. You feel things deeply and are very sensitive. I want you to embrace this part of you because it is nothing to be ashamed of.
5.) The boys you like reject you over and over again. You wonder if there is something wrong with you. There isn’t. They are also taught from a young age to desire a certain type of girl. You are beautiful and there will be a guy that will make you feel all those “fuzzy” feelings one day.
6.) You feel fearful of the real world. Your mind plays tricks on you and most nights you can’t fall asleep without your mom laying next to you. She loves you so much.
7.) You have an anxiety disorder that you stay quiet about. You know that something is wrong and the way you’re feeling can’t be right. You are just a child so you stay quiet because you can’t bear the thought of being judged. Instead you turn to food, nail biting and hair pulling. I love you for trying your best to make it through each day. You are so brave.
8.) I’m 27 years old now and finally dealing with all the pain I faced in my childhood. I want you to know that I love you but I’m ready to set you free. I’m ready to set the pain free too. You will always be a part of my journey but you no longer serve a purpose in my life.
I will always love you.